Now, gender for me is about adventure and exploration. It is about power, but not in a political sense: the personal sense of power I feel, the different power in my walk, when I wear men’s clothes. The power to choose my presentation day to day, to refuse labels and make stories and laughter out of the misunderstandings, the teasings. The ability to be present with my friends as myself, however that looks. When I was a child I dressed as a boy. I was always apologetic, always awkward about my choices even when I was supported in them. Now I understand my choices better, I’ve made them my own, and it feels great. I even like pink again.
19th December 2011
Notes: 3
I have passed most official thresholds, but I am still feeling my way into manhood; hands rougher now, and stronger, but still unsure
Louis Evans
hardestquestionEVER.
57. PICK ONE
a. Real
b. Not real
The more I think about what gender is, the less sense it makes. As I try to explain and define it, its essence slips away from me. But sometimes I can feel it. I feel it when I walk past a bar in heels and am met with stares and whistles, and when I walk past the same bar in sneakers and am able to pass in peace. Or when a man (or person who presents as such) holds the door for me, but not for the guy behind me. But I am glad to have the privilege of being able to choose to wear heels or sneakers, to hold the door or to accept the gesture of it being held. I’m grateful for the flexibility to express my gender how I like. Something about taking off the ballet flats and putting on those worn out sneakers and jeans gives me the courage to go talk to that girl across the bar. But in case she likes femmes, I’ll keep my long hair.
Gender is a funny thing. Performing “woman” is at once empowering and silencing, natural and totally superficial.
